Adult caregiver feels burdened and burnt out

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amy dickinson

Dear Amy: I’m halfway through a two-week visit with my 89-year-old mom, and my stress level is through the roof.

On the one hand, I know that her life isn’t easy due to numerous health issues, including memory and vision loss — plus the death of my dad just over a year ago.

On the other hand, and my siblings would all agree, she makes everything so much harder than it has to be, for herself and for everyone around her.

The criticisms, complaints, put-downs, constant demands and need to control everything makes it so hard to find the patience and compassion I should have.

It doesn’t take very long when trying to do anything with her before I’m stressed out and frustrated at the way she treats me and what I’m being put through while trying to help her.

And I hate myself for it.

I can hear the whine of an unhappy child in the grumbling of the adult I’m supposed to be, and by nightfall it’s not just one day’s worth of issues I’m trying to let go of, but decades of conflict, misunderstandings, and bad behavior on both our parts.

She’s 89. She’s sick. She’s alone. She’s struggling to cope.

She’s my mom.

Why can’t I be more tolerant?

— Intolerant Caregiver



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